I've seen a lot of blog posts and videos going around recently, all with a similar message that really resonated with me. Why am I not as good as X, Y Z?
I've struggled for many years with what I like to call IPSAS (It's probably shit anyway syndrome), it's like your own personal internet troll... in your head... but well... it's you.
IPSAS liked to try and rear it's head when I worked as a songwriter, but back then it was a lot more controllable, it was almost helpful at times. I think the key is I had a self confidence in myself when it came to writing that I don't have now. Reading that sentence back makes me feel really sad.
I'm so lucky to have amazing family and friends who have always been my biggest cheerleaders, always told me to go for it and have always been there for my (some what frequent over the course of the last few months of 2014) meltdowns, but the problem has been this - even after talking it through, the empowerment high only lasts so long before that little shit IPSAS gets back on the internal trolling wagon and self doubt & self sabotage sets back in. This results in ideas being rubbished, excuses getting made and zero progress because, yep, those ideas are probably shit anyway.
This has been majorly plaguing me in all areas of my life but was a key player, the leading role if you will, in my blogging absence. Again.
BUT... recently things have started to change, maybe not even change but i've spent a lot of time trying to learn how to tame the troll and ultimately shut it down. I downloaded Steven Pressfields The War On Art and I can't even tell you how amazing it felt reading every page. For anyone who can identify with what i've been rambling on about, get it, read it. It's tailored towards those in a "creative" environment but I think anyone can benefit from this book.
Without sounding too "zen and shiz" every night i'm listening to meditations, motivational seminars and just trying to retrain my brain. All I can say right now is I feel so much better, and i'm going to keep doing more of what feels good. Except Dominos pizza... I can't do more of that or i'll have a new set of problems. Dat cheese tho!!
So at the top of this post you'll see a new Youtube video I made that I didn't want to post or even mention was on my channel. I'm fighting the urge to apologise for it and list all the things wrong with it but I won't. Can it be improved? Of course! But for now, in the words of Steven Pressfield "You showed up". And I aim to continue to show up, because X, Y & Z all started at A. And it's not about being them, it's about being YOU.
If you're still with me after that emotional purge here's what I want to do...
I'm almost a month late but happy 2015 everyone!
Ps. I'm sure a lot of you have seen it, but here's a link to Zoe London's blog post Why Am I Not As Good As Her? This came up in my twitter feed and really sparked a moment for me!